I falcon love using swear birds
You Might Also Like
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
guys i’ve cracked the code
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.