Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.

Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?

Godspeed, John Glenn

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.