Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

sir, my pâté if you please

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.