Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.