Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.

That’s just how Julius Caesar.

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED