Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.

Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]

me: hey weren’t there five of you

them: (in agreement) no

It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans