I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
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my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
sometimes we need to be reminded
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that