I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
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I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice