“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
You Might Also Like
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.