Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:

22 month old son: When’s she going back?

Me: Back where?

Son: To her house at the hospital.

Me: She lives with us now.

Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant