“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
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A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
