Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

incredible book dedication

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”

Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”