I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
You Might Also Like
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!