I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
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Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
same bro
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.