I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
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Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?