Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

This is true.

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

That’s fair

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.

She said Johnnie.

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.