@GregDorris

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

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@Browtweaten

*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

@suecorvette

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

@SukaBlunt

I learned 2 things at least when I was married

1. Always passcode lock your phone
2. Don’t use a nude pic of your gf as the lock screen

@KyleMcDowell86

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

@upsidedowntrash

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

@SamuelHLowe

-Why didn’t you answer your home phone?
-Because I’m walking the dog. Don’t you trust me?
-Of course I trust you! Put the dog on the phone.

@Jake_Vig

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

@HomeProbably

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.