I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
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do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.