I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
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ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
2022 be like
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Banking tips
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic