Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: “And do you floss?”

Me: “Yes!”

My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”

I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin

me: i have good and bad news

her: bad first

me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks

her: what’s the good news

me: i found waldo

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill