Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!

Onion rings.

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

Perfect

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*