Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

[candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?

“No”

WIFE: Apple?

“Nope”

WIFE: Lavender?

“Sorry”

ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

Doctor: So what brings you in today?

Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

◾️

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

Feels

All I want for Christmas is my gross pay

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: