Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

Waiter: pumpkin pie?

Me: ok, …. darling

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.