Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time

There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words