I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
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TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
When he asks for feet pics
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
October 31
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.