I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
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I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
A comic by Dan Piraro
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.