Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.

Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.

Me: I stand by what I said.

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face