I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

You Might Also Like


When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.


If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.


when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair


Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.


I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.


Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late


back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to


*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again


“What’s it like being a female comic?” “Well, you get asked what it’s like being a female comic a lot.”