I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
You Might Also Like
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname