@zorgod

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

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@HatfieldAnne

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

@House_Feminist

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

@BobTheSuit

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

@OneFunnyMummy

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

@fro_vo

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

@stuckinaportal

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

@mattZillaaaa

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

@ericarhodes

“What’s it like being a female comic?” “Well, you get asked what it’s like being a female comic a lot.”