Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

hmmm

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.