I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
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Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
why neck hurt
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Nice try, poison.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
A wise man once said nothing.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
If looks could kill
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
