I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
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Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
👾👾👾
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils