Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

I’M CRYINGGG

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

If I ignore life will it go away?

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

Did a trash talking tree write this?

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

cushion on the right slightly discoloured