I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
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If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
(Musicians.)
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”