I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
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therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*