Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

you’re so productive for your wage

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

rich people when they have to pay taxes

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

I hate it when people accuse me of lollygagging when i’m quite clearly dilly dallying.