Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

i made a craigslist ad !

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

I would move hell over six inches for you

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together