I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
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Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Found my door mat
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?