I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
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People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
felt that
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.