Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”

TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.

“Are you okay?”

Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.