I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
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Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
No regrets in 2018
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.