I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
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“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes