Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

“I’m helping” 😅

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

i love modern commerce

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories