Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?

stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”