I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
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“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
Tony Hawk, age 6
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello