I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
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we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Potatoes were such a good idea
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?