I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
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I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
The devil.
4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.