I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
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Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Waiting for the Charmin
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you