Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”