I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
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WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.