I feel attacked.
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[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
See..?
.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Nothing to do, you say?
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me