I feel attacked.
You Might Also Like
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?