I feel attacked.
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Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
A short story of betrayal:
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live