Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.

Me: don’t do it

Brain: GONNA DO IT

Me: I’m driving

Brain: HERE IT COMES

Me: there’s oncoming traffic

Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW

Me: you’re going to kill us both

Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST

Me: *pre sneeze face*

Brain: THIS AMUSES ME

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

Meanwhile in Canada…

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.