Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

motivation

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text