I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
You Might Also Like
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
fr
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.