Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.

They’re working together, we’re in trouble.

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.