@nachdermas

i feel bad for crabs because they can never eat a sandwich they’ll just keep cutting it into smaller pieces every time they try to hold it

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@OtherDanOBrien

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

@radtoria

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

@TheNYAMProject

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

@shutupmikeginn

Me: It’s cold outside.
Them: It’s not cold outside. Not compared to the place i lived which was colder, which I’m about to elaborate on.

@robfee

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

@Carbosly

WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.

– Snow globe, the story.

@murrman5

[during ultrasound]
wife: I really thought you were the father
me: how could you do this to me?
wife’s grey and black lover: I told y’all

@numeri33

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

@david8hughes

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

@CandyEmpires

Your psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.