I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
