I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Nose
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
how to have an accident 101
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
