I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
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[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
respect
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Mornin