I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
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if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Time for evil
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.