I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
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I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts