I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
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My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
this came to me in a vision
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF