Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

respect

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?