I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Every
Single
Year
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Voting is the worst group project
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.