I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
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IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”