Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
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Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.