I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
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Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Just ordered me some pizza!
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
As a doctor, I can confirm
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”