I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
You Might Also Like
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.