I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
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I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Hank is one in a melon.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Tony Hawk, age 6
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
a fate I wish upon no one
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.