I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
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2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Finally a use for spoilers…
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
LA today:
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti