I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
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Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
seems fine
Everything reminds me of my ex
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony