Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?

Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

You Tolkien to me?

Hobbit de Niro.

#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.