I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
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Look, a pure bread cat!
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.