I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
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[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die