I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
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Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast