Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

Why do meteors always land in craters?

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

I remember when things only cost an arm.

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.